Defeated

That is my word for the week.
I pride myself on being a relatively strong person, I may cry throughout the process but 9 times out of 10 I pull through. Ok, so great. yay me. But I gotta admit right now. This very moment, I feel like I got nothing left to give. Andrew left a month ago and in that month I have come down with the worst sickness I have ever had, Lyla had croup, Lyla now has some unknown RAD? issue. I am currently in my biggest court like, EVER and I am out of pocket on and off. I am honestly feeling like the worlds worst mother because I'm sure people are like..."um your daughter is sick, you need to be home with her" Well, you see I have other obligations. not to say my child doesn't come number one but in my life I try to be three things--1. Awesome Mom, 2. Awesome wife 3. Awesome worker. I want to be good at everything, all the time. So, I have put in almost a years worth of work for this case and now, I can't be there to help watch it unfold. My daughter is ill, and I can't be there to hold her every single moment. I miss my husband but can't be the supportive wife he needs right now. Oh and let's not forget the fact that I am pretty much a worthless friend right now. I'm sure there are friends out there let down by something I have done or failed to do in the last month. Defeated. The pressures of life have finally got me. Rock bottom? no...but I feel downright helpless. So many friends have gone out of their way to help me this last month and how does one repay? I mean seriously. "hey thanks for making my life so much more manageable" I rarely can ever repay favors. I say Thanks yous till I am blue in the face, but I always wonder if they all truly understand my thanks. If I could I would go on forever.
Thank you for being there to let me vent to, thank you for offering to do just about anything to make my life easier, thank you for offering to cook me dinner, thank you FOR cooking me dinner oh and BRINGING it to me. Thank you for watching my daughter, thanking for ALWAYS watching my daughter, thank you for watching my SICK daughter. Thank you for your everlasting support, thank you for doing whatever you can to take a burden off of me. Thank you for your texts, your phone calls and your emails...they mean the world to me. Thank you for just thinking of me.
Is what I am going through the end of the world? no...absolutely not. I get that. I get that it could always be worse. I've seen worse, I've lived through worse. I remember it all clearly...thanks. But right now, at 2100 hours. I feel like I have really made someone mad upstairs. You know how people say "whatever can go wrong has" well, let me just take a moment to tell you that yes, this really is a true statement in my life right now. Everything I prayed to NOT happen has...plus more. But, at the end of the day I have a little girl who loves me, she may be ill but she loves me...and a husband who is somewhere out there...missing us. I have awesome friends who at this point I feel guilty even texting any of them any more drama in my life. Also--let me just take this moment to also say...I've seen who "really" is there for during this month. If you are a member of my family and you couldn't even send me a damn text to see how we were...shame on you. I want you to go back and think about all the time you had things go wrong in your life. I may not have been there physically but was I texting??? was I sending flowers and cards??? yup...sure was. As far as I am concerned I, and we ...mean nothing to you. Same thing that goes for my "good friends" who can't even acknowledge my child's sickness. You live in the same town as me, I have given so much to you in our friendship and the one time I need help and support all you worry about is YOU. Typical. What comes around goes around. I know I am a good person, right now...am I reaping what I sow? I don't know. But I know that I care...So. I will end it with this, do not be fake with me. Don't text me or call me when you really don't care. Spare me your communications forever for all I care. I would rather save those moments and time for people who do.
Thank you and goodnight.