I have finally figured out what it is that I do not like about Colorado...
From the day we drove into this town--July 28th 2009 to be exact, I knew that this place was going to be somewhere I could love. I had hopes of a new start, with my new husband, and soon to be new baby and baylee too! I was optimistic about my job and the fact that my career was taking a turn towards a different direction-but I was ready. I soon found out that my job was not going to be something I could ever enjoy, not for a week...month...or the next 13 years. So, I put in my cross-train package and accepted the fact that I wasn't the hard-core Heather anymore. The one who goes to awesome schools to learn how to bust down doors or the Heather that jumped out of perfectly good airplanes...15 times.
Hm...sometimes I miss those days. But, anyways I digress...Georgia was my first duty station, I got there when I was 18 years old and 5 months later went on my first deployment to Iraq, one year later I left for my second, and 6 months later my third. The bonds that I had with my friends in that unit was something one could only see on "band of brothers" I never was lonely, I always had someone who understood, who cared and was there to help me pick up the pieces.
After Chavis' death we all dealt with a large amount of anger, grief and depression. I was going through a divorce and trying to figure out what was going on in my life. Someone was there. Now, I still have all these friendships-I could call any one of them up at this very moment and they would be here for me. No questions asked...but it's not the same. They are friendships you could only dream up. So...now, here I am present day. Married to a man that some days I question if he is reality or just a dream. We picked quite the life for ourselves...but that is not my point. My point it is-I have been lucky enough to meet some pretty great people here, many of which have been there at the drop of hat, no matter the time of day and what it was I needed. But there is days when I'm sad, and I'm having those "deployment thoughts" and this time...there isn't anyone there to talk me thru them. I miss the days where my roomie Jon and best friend Joe would just sit in the living room and talk about all the moments we went through together in Iraq...the good, the bad and the awful. It helped put things into perspective during those hard times. Really made me realize that I wasn't the only one who even years after, is still effected by War. I love my friends, all of them. Even the ones who would never understand...and I know that if given the chance to listen they would. I guess I just miss the comfort of those who just "know". I miss my brothers and sisters I served with...I miss the head nods we all would exchange when that sad song that all reminded us of "that day" would come on...that little reminder from each other that "yea, I know...it still gets me too...you are not alone"
I walked into our spare bedroom today, aka the "I love me" room. It's covered wall to wall with my accomplishments, decorations, medals, photos and awards (and like 4 of Andrew's lol he doesn't display things like I do) I walked around the room remembering the moments that earned me each item. I had to kind of laugh...I remember when I got them all I thought, pffft whatever...just another piece of paper to add to the stack. Just another ribbon on the ribbon rack. But I never took any of it for what it really was. I sit behind a desk now, shoveling papers off left and right. In the grand scheme of things, I mean nothing. I have friends TONS of friends still in Iraq and Afghanistan working on their 5th tours. I always say, "that could be me too". Do I really want to be in those places? I dont know, the thought of being away from my daughter for that long kills me inside. But my sense of duty overrides my emotions sometimes. I feel so helpless and useless here. Thats probably why deep down I want to stay in a little. I want one last chance to go over...and do what? HA! paralegals probably don't even carry guns. Whatever...I am officially a "has been" or maybe a "never was"...I wish I would have embraced those moments more, and had felt more pride at the time. Because now, I couldn't be more proud of where I have come from...and where I am now. 18 years old didn't know my ass from my elbow. 5 years later I'm manning 50 cal machine guns, going to swat schools and jumping out of planes. Where is that confident girl? Where did she go?...I was tough back then. Nothing ever could bring me down. Even at my weakest moments I stood strong. Now, I buckle any time I feel less than just "alive". Why I rely so heavily on my husband I will never know. Especially since I never was one to be dependent on another.
I'm going to close with some of my favorite deployments pictures....Tomorrow is a new day. Goodnight.
From the day we drove into this town--July 28th 2009 to be exact, I knew that this place was going to be somewhere I could love. I had hopes of a new start, with my new husband, and soon to be new baby and baylee too! I was optimistic about my job and the fact that my career was taking a turn towards a different direction-but I was ready. I soon found out that my job was not going to be something I could ever enjoy, not for a week...month...or the next 13 years. So, I put in my cross-train package and accepted the fact that I wasn't the hard-core Heather anymore. The one who goes to awesome schools to learn how to bust down doors or the Heather that jumped out of perfectly good airplanes...15 times.
Hm...sometimes I miss those days. But, anyways I digress...Georgia was my first duty station, I got there when I was 18 years old and 5 months later went on my first deployment to Iraq, one year later I left for my second, and 6 months later my third. The bonds that I had with my friends in that unit was something one could only see on "band of brothers" I never was lonely, I always had someone who understood, who cared and was there to help me pick up the pieces.
After Chavis' death we all dealt with a large amount of anger, grief and depression. I was going through a divorce and trying to figure out what was going on in my life. Someone was there. Now, I still have all these friendships-I could call any one of them up at this very moment and they would be here for me. No questions asked...but it's not the same. They are friendships you could only dream up. So...now, here I am present day. Married to a man that some days I question if he is reality or just a dream. We picked quite the life for ourselves...but that is not my point. My point it is-I have been lucky enough to meet some pretty great people here, many of which have been there at the drop of hat, no matter the time of day and what it was I needed. But there is days when I'm sad, and I'm having those "deployment thoughts" and this time...there isn't anyone there to talk me thru them. I miss the days where my roomie Jon and best friend Joe would just sit in the living room and talk about all the moments we went through together in Iraq...the good, the bad and the awful. It helped put things into perspective during those hard times. Really made me realize that I wasn't the only one who even years after, is still effected by War. I love my friends, all of them. Even the ones who would never understand...and I know that if given the chance to listen they would. I guess I just miss the comfort of those who just "know". I miss my brothers and sisters I served with...I miss the head nods we all would exchange when that sad song that all reminded us of "that day" would come on...that little reminder from each other that "yea, I know...it still gets me too...you are not alone"
I walked into our spare bedroom today, aka the "I love me" room. It's covered wall to wall with my accomplishments, decorations, medals, photos and awards (and like 4 of Andrew's lol he doesn't display things like I do) I walked around the room remembering the moments that earned me each item. I had to kind of laugh...I remember when I got them all I thought, pffft whatever...just another piece of paper to add to the stack. Just another ribbon on the ribbon rack. But I never took any of it for what it really was. I sit behind a desk now, shoveling papers off left and right. In the grand scheme of things, I mean nothing. I have friends TONS of friends still in Iraq and Afghanistan working on their 5th tours. I always say, "that could be me too". Do I really want to be in those places? I dont know, the thought of being away from my daughter for that long kills me inside. But my sense of duty overrides my emotions sometimes. I feel so helpless and useless here. Thats probably why deep down I want to stay in a little. I want one last chance to go over...and do what? HA! paralegals probably don't even carry guns. Whatever...I am officially a "has been" or maybe a "never was"...I wish I would have embraced those moments more, and had felt more pride at the time. Because now, I couldn't be more proud of where I have come from...and where I am now. 18 years old didn't know my ass from my elbow. 5 years later I'm manning 50 cal machine guns, going to swat schools and jumping out of planes. Where is that confident girl? Where did she go?...I was tough back then. Nothing ever could bring me down. Even at my weakest moments I stood strong. Now, I buckle any time I feel less than just "alive". Why I rely so heavily on my husband I will never know. Especially since I never was one to be dependent on another.
I'm going to close with some of my favorite deployments pictures....Tomorrow is a new day. Goodnight.
Just outside the main gate hanging with the Iraqi police. Kirkuk 2005
This is me up on the 50 cal., my first deployment to Kirkuk, Iraq in 2005.
Second deployment Baghdad Iraq 2006. This picture says a thousand words. This was our first response to a vehicle borne improvised explosive devices. Just behind us, hundreds of people wedead, blown up and burnt to death. We didn't know it at the time, our squad leader kept us as far away as possible. It was hot...really hot, and people were screaming for their loved ones and we had to keep them back. how we found time for a photo I don't remember. But this day...engrained in my head.
Happier times...Balad iraq 2008. Me with a little boy from my favorite town. Sitting in the back enjoying some chi and some grub. I loved this deployment and our mission. The women and children always remain in my heart.
I think that is totally understandable that you feel this sense of loneliness. Your husband is probably one of the only people around who understands what you have been through, but even he didn't go through the exact same experience. Friends like me can be there to listen, but in way, we will never understand what it was like to actually be there.
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