The Mommy Moments

If you had asked me 4 years ago if I was ever going to have children I would have flat out said "NO WAY". I was too busy jumping out of planes, going to Iraq, shooting guns and being awesome. I didn't have time for babies never the less a man. After Clay I was rather pleased with myself and took full advantage of my new 60 pound lighter self, and certainly enjoyed dating and being the "free spirit" I always felt that I was.

Well...things happen. That thing was Andrew. Shortly after dating Andrew I knew that I wanted to marry him one day and that I wanted to raise a child with him. Weird how that happens right? All of a sudden I really could have cared less about the planes and gun and being awesome. I wanted a family. Our plans stretched out amongst years, he was going to do his thing for awhile and I would do mine. But, God had other plans and so did my birth control.

and then came...Lyla.

4 years ago I would never have imagined myself laying on the floor holding a vomit covered baby and singing the Dora theme song to her to soothe her. Last night I did. I cried quietly to myself thinking about how this kind of crap only happens when Andrew is gone and that is a true statement. It really does only happen when he is not here. I guess the point of this is that I may not have ever dreamt of these moments since I was little, I didn't walk around for the past 10 years planning out the names of my future children. But the moment I knew I was going to be a Mom my life turned around. I don't jump out of planes anymore, I don't shoot guns--I am still pretty damn awesome ( I didn't ditch that) and I am okay with all of this. Being Lyla's Mommy is the most challenging and scariest thing I have ever done. Yes, I put it before driving through the streets of Baghdad. Kids are the most unpredictable ticking timb bombs to ever walk this earth. But in the same breath I can say that I will use the entire rest of my life on earth to figure out how to disarm that bomb (hopefully before she turns 18).

I didn't imagine this life, I didn't plan it out. I never imagined I would cry myself to sleep at night and often because of the stresses that consume me. I wake up at 5:45 am every morning and get myself ready just so I can spend those extra 30 min taking my time and getting Lyla ready for daycare. My plan never falters since the day she was born and it has stayed the same till now. I do it because I love my job, and because I love my baby girl. But at what point do I have to draw a line? when my job becomes more important than her?....yes, I think so. Lots of decisions to make in these next few months but not enough time to even ponder it. For now, I will just go to bed because that is the easiest choice...