Something fit to print.

I have finally figured out what it is that I do not like about Colorado...
From the day we drove into this town--July 28th 2009 to be exact, I knew that this place was going to be somewhere I could love. I had hopes of a new start, with my new husband, and soon to be new baby and baylee too! I was optimistic about my job and the fact that my career was taking a turn towards a different direction-but I was ready. I soon found out that my job was not going to be something I could ever enjoy, not for a week...month...or the next 13 years. So, I put in my cross-train package and accepted the fact that I wasn't the hard-core Heather anymore. The one who goes to awesome schools to learn how to bust down doors or the Heather that jumped out of perfectly good airplanes...15 times.
Hm...sometimes I miss those days. But, anyways I digress...Georgia was my first duty station, I got there when I was 18 years old and 5 months later went on my first deployment to Iraq, one year later I left for my second, and 6 months later my third. The bonds that I had with my friends in that unit was something one could only see on "band of brothers" I never was lonely, I always had someone who understood, who cared and was there to help me pick up the pieces.
After Chavis' death we all dealt with a large amount of anger, grief and depression. I was going through a divorce and trying to figure out what was going on in my life. Someone was there. Now, I still have all these friendships-I could call any one of them up at this very moment and they would be here for me. No questions asked...but it's not the same. They are friendships you could only dream up. So...now, here I am present day. Married to a man that some days I question if he is reality or just a dream. We picked quite the life for ourselves...but that is not my point. My point it is-I have been lucky enough to meet some pretty great people here, many of which have been there at the drop of hat, no matter the time of day and what it was I needed. But there is days when I'm sad, and I'm having those "deployment thoughts" and this time...there isn't anyone there to talk me thru them. I miss the days where my roomie Jon and best friend Joe would just sit in the living room and talk about all the moments we went through together in Iraq...the good, the bad and the awful. It helped put things into perspective during those hard times. Really made me realize that I wasn't the only one who even years after, is still effected by War. I love my friends, all of them. Even the ones who would never understand...and I know that if given the chance to listen they would. I guess I just miss the comfort of those who just "know". I miss my brothers and sisters I served with...I miss the head nods we all would exchange when that sad song that all reminded us of "that day" would come on...that little reminder from each other that "yea, I know...it still gets me too...you are not alone"
I walked into our spare bedroom today, aka the "I love me" room. It's covered wall to wall with my accomplishments, decorations, medals, photos and awards (and like 4 of Andrew's lol he doesn't display things like I do) I walked around the room remembering the moments that earned me each item. I had to kind of laugh...I remember when I got them all I thought, pffft whatever...just another piece of paper to add to the stack. Just another ribbon on the ribbon rack. But I never took any of it for what it really was. I sit behind a desk now, shoveling papers off left and right. In the grand scheme of things, I mean nothing. I have friends TONS of friends still in Iraq and Afghanistan working on their 5th tours. I always say, "that could be me too". Do I really want to be in those places? I dont know, the thought of being away from my daughter for that long kills me inside. But my sense of duty overrides my emotions sometimes. I feel so helpless and useless here. Thats probably why deep down I want to stay in a little. I want one last chance to go over...and do what? HA! paralegals probably don't even carry guns. Whatever...I am officially a "has been" or maybe a "never was"...I wish I would have embraced those moments more, and had felt more pride at the time. Because now, I couldn't be more proud of where I have come from...and where I am now. 18 years old didn't know my ass from my elbow. 5 years later I'm manning 50 cal machine guns, going to swat schools and jumping out of planes. Where is that confident girl? Where did she go?...I was tough back then. Nothing ever could bring me down. Even at my weakest moments I stood strong. Now, I buckle any time I feel less than just "alive". Why I rely so heavily on my husband I will never know. Especially since I never was one to be dependent on another.
I'm going to close with some of my favorite deployments pictures....Tomorrow is a new day. Goodnight.

Just outside the main gate hanging with the Iraqi police. Kirkuk 2005

This is me up on the 50 cal., my first deployment to Kirkuk, Iraq in 2005.
Second deployment Baghdad Iraq 2006. This picture says a thousand words. This was our first response to a vehicle borne improvised explosive devices. Just behind us, hundreds of people wedead, blown up and burnt to death. We didn't know it at the time, our squad leader kept us as far away as possible. It was hot...really hot, and people were screaming for their loved ones and we had to keep them back. how we found time for a photo I don't remember. But this day...engrained in my head.
Happier times...Balad iraq 2008. Me with a little boy from my favorite town. Sitting in the back enjoying some chi and some grub. I loved this deployment and our mission. The women and children always remain in my heart.

Memorial Day weekend

What does Memorial Day weekend mean to you?... bet you get excited because of that sweet government holiday we recieve right? ya...I think deep down we all do the happy dance because we know that awesome 4 day weekend filled with BBQ's and friends is upon us.

Well, Memorial Day took a new meaning to me after October 14th, 2006. I saw sacrifice right before my own eyes. At the ripe age of 21, I saw death. My friend, and squad member was shot and killed by a sniper in down-town Baghdad. A moment in my life that I could replay and relive over and over...like it happened yesterday. The smell, the things I saw, the feelings I remember it all. Even more so, I remember Chavis. Who he was to me-his smile, his laugh, his character and his jokes. Life from that day forward was never the same. Memorial Day means more to me than the BBQ's and the friends and the days off. It's time for me to reflect on the sacrifices made by those who have served amongst me. Now, Chavis is not the only friend who has made the ultimate sacrifice... SSgt David Horney, SrA Chad Rice and SSgt Jason Wilburn are forever remembered in my mind. Their deaths were tragic, and still haunt me often. Friends, co-workers, brothers... all taken too soon.

My favorite photo I ever took of Chavis, we were playing spades, and as usual he was telling me how awful I was :)

So, please...at some point this weekend when you are watching your kids play in the backyard, enjoying the smell of those hot dogs on the grill... remember the lives lost for us to have this freedom. Those that no longer can enjoy these moments. Cherish these times and embrace them because life is all too short. Remember those who have fought, and those that are still fighting for our freedom...never asking for anything in return.

Chavis, I always wonder where you would be right now...what you would be doing or saying. Probably singing Rick Ross and dancing around the way you always did. High on life right? I know you would be proud to see what I have become. I have never forgotten and never will, you remain in my heart everyday and to me...you never really left. Your memory lives strong in not just myself, but every single life you touched during your too short life. You are my daughters namesake...and it's not for nothing. It's because I look forward to the day where I can tell her of Mommy's friend, who died protecting her...who died to protect everyone that day. So, on this Memorial Day I promise I will take that moment to thank you, to thank you for your sacrifice for this country. You have been gone almost 5 years now...but you are never ever forgotten.

Absolutley Overwhelmed

Where to start....How about with a picture of my little Dora lover...she makes me smile.

It's been awhile since I last posted in here.

Mother's Day-It was nice, I went to brunch with a friend of mine who's husband is deployed to Afghanistan right now and due to return home very soon. Their family has been very close to us since we arrived her, as Andrew was deployed with her husband years back when they were stationed in Germany together. They are probably the best friends that we have here...always there when I need them.

After that we went to church which was a total and utter disaster. Long story short-the Pastor made it a point to tell us that a Mother's place is at home raising the child and that it is shameful that our kids are growing up in childcare centers and with babysitters. I about came unglued. It's his opinion-not God's. So needless to say, we did not go back and won't EVER. Good news on that is we started a new church this last Sunday and I am please thus far.

Lyla threw up all Sunday evening....she got better as the week progressed and then Wednesday night its like the death came upon me. I spent the next 3 days so ill....the worst that I can remember. I am thankful for my amazing friends who came to the rescue.

This Saturday Lyla and I are running the 5k Run to the Shrine again this year! Then after that going to her buddy Landon's first bday party then I am going to the Warrior Games closing ceremony with some girl friends and watching Colbie Caillat perform!!!! Yay for Girls night!

Onto some other thoughts. Work is crazy busy with the upcoming General Court Martial, and then with nani flying in I am thankful she will be here to help. But, the top thing stressing me out right now is my BIG CDC test is next wednesday. I cannot study anymore than I have, I cannot wait to have my life back after this test. Seriously...it's getting old.

On a happier note--60 more days till Andrew comes home, but less than that till we see him. not sure when we will be flying to NC to see him, Chris and Carrie but it will either be 4th of July or around my birthday next month!. Either way I am stoked. Especially to see Chris and Carrie. Love visiting with them, and it has been too long. I am truly thankful that I have such a great brother and sister in law. They graciously have opened up their house to me--which I am thankful and cannot wait to take them up on their offer to visit for a little bit.

Well...I must get back to studying that is all for now on the updates.

The Mommy Moments

If you had asked me 4 years ago if I was ever going to have children I would have flat out said "NO WAY". I was too busy jumping out of planes, going to Iraq, shooting guns and being awesome. I didn't have time for babies never the less a man. After Clay I was rather pleased with myself and took full advantage of my new 60 pound lighter self, and certainly enjoyed dating and being the "free spirit" I always felt that I was.

Well...things happen. That thing was Andrew. Shortly after dating Andrew I knew that I wanted to marry him one day and that I wanted to raise a child with him. Weird how that happens right? All of a sudden I really could have cared less about the planes and gun and being awesome. I wanted a family. Our plans stretched out amongst years, he was going to do his thing for awhile and I would do mine. But, God had other plans and so did my birth control.

and then came...Lyla.

4 years ago I would never have imagined myself laying on the floor holding a vomit covered baby and singing the Dora theme song to her to soothe her. Last night I did. I cried quietly to myself thinking about how this kind of crap only happens when Andrew is gone and that is a true statement. It really does only happen when he is not here. I guess the point of this is that I may not have ever dreamt of these moments since I was little, I didn't walk around for the past 10 years planning out the names of my future children. But the moment I knew I was going to be a Mom my life turned around. I don't jump out of planes anymore, I don't shoot guns--I am still pretty damn awesome ( I didn't ditch that) and I am okay with all of this. Being Lyla's Mommy is the most challenging and scariest thing I have ever done. Yes, I put it before driving through the streets of Baghdad. Kids are the most unpredictable ticking timb bombs to ever walk this earth. But in the same breath I can say that I will use the entire rest of my life on earth to figure out how to disarm that bomb (hopefully before she turns 18).

I didn't imagine this life, I didn't plan it out. I never imagined I would cry myself to sleep at night and often because of the stresses that consume me. I wake up at 5:45 am every morning and get myself ready just so I can spend those extra 30 min taking my time and getting Lyla ready for daycare. My plan never falters since the day she was born and it has stayed the same till now. I do it because I love my job, and because I love my baby girl. But at what point do I have to draw a line? when my job becomes more important than her?....yes, I think so. Lots of decisions to make in these next few months but not enough time to even ponder it. For now, I will just go to bed because that is the easiest choice...

Hi my name is Heather..

and I am a hot mess...

I have all the right intentions but never know how to express them the right way. I hate when I don't get my way and if I could...I would stomp my feet and pout for just about anything.

I miss Andrew, I want my husband back, work is on my last nerve and some days..I just want to come home and cry in my bed and go to sleep. But the reality is, I've got a sweet girl (half the time) who is relying on me, and will never for a moment let Mommy forget that she must be cared for. This month is overwhelming, I feel as if this month could quite possibly be the most intense month this year. I need to get thru it...I have to study, I need to pass my CDC's so that I can get it out of the way. My court is on the 31st, Nani flys in, and then June is here. No Bolder Boulder this year....whatever--least I got my shirt. :) Life is more important than running a race. Even though running this one meant a ton. I was running in Memory of Chavis. But I know that I don't need to run 6 miles for him to know I think of him. He is still so real and alive in my life as he was 5 years ago. I see his smile, I hear his laugh and know he is with me.

My Amazing squad...and Chavis up top. We sure were a family...

My wonderful friend who made me smile when all I wanted to do was cry, he pushed me through when I felt weak and made me laugh when I was as angry as can be. I could always count on him for that. I'm emotional tonight...I'm sick of never having enough time, never enough hands and always missing someone, something...I look forward to attending church on Sunday. It is the first time in a LONG time. I am nervous for this little adventure on my own. No one's hand to hold or shoulder to lean on. But I'll make it. I always do.



I'm calling it quits for tonight. It was a crappy crappy day...I just want it to go away.

Humbling Moments.

Today was much better I have got to admit... I didn't feel as absolutley miserable as I had the last few days. I had to give myself a few kicks in the butt this morning as I struggled to get out of bed. I remember it being much easier when Andrew is there. Had to remind myself that "life is not that bad Heather" the show must go on...just like Lupe says. BTW-I love this song.

House is a disaster, as usual. I throw some mess of a lunch together (this was Andrew's job and I must admit I miss his lunches already so much).

I got to work, and CMJ was there. A month ago, her first born daughter passed away in the womb and she has been out of work since. Now, let me first say..I have felt grief in my life, I have lost friends in combat, to tragedy and other awful horrid things. But never...in my life could I imagine this, no pain like this is comparable to anything I have felt. A friend back in Georgia lost her baby I remember it was right after our deployment. I was too young, and maybe to ignorant to even try to empathize with her as to what she was feeling. But now, here I am. A mother of a beautiful little girl and this time, I felt it. The grief caught me by surprise and I cried myself to sleep that first week. I woke up thinking about her, and fell asleep thinking about her. The only thing we could talk about was CMJ and how she could be doing. Did we really wanna know? I think we knew the answer. I dreamt about seeing her, and talking to her. I even had dreams of her bringing the baby in. Like this really was all just a nightmare. If it was possible to grieve with her...I think I might have. We felt like, and acted as if CMJ had died. I'm sure at moments she probably felt like she did.

Long story short, we talked today and I am completley and utterly humbled. She is the strongest woman I have ever known. I have talked to mothers who have lost their babies and grown children...but no one can surpass the strength that CMJ emits. It was humbling speaking to her for the simple fact that just 2 days ago I laid in my bed and cried for my husband...who is but a few states away, for an extra 3 months. That's it. Yup, heather you are about as selfish as they come. It made me realize that we all can find strength in any tough moment of our lives. CMJ is grieving, and it's still real and very alive in her heart right now. This is something that will be with her for the rest of her life. But, she's amazing and she is strong.

She is strong enough to visualize baby G running around the fields in heaven, beautiful as ever watching down over her Mommy and Daddy. I know that when we mourn for her she wants nothing more than to comfort us all. Life has not stopped...and it won't. I believe we all realize that, even CMJ. She empowered me today, she opened my eyes to the fact that life never, ever goes the way we had planned. This was a life changing event but they will percivere- I have no doubt that God will embrace them at this time in their life and bring them back to solid ground. He never hands us more then was can bear. I believe this. Which leads me back...well, to me. I can handle whatever is handed to me. I have every other time in my life. I've seen life, laughter, death and love. I've seen things one could only imagine in nightmares. But, I overcame it. CMJ has a long road to go yet, but she is already miles ahead from where I think I could be given the situation.

Tonight, I am feeling more blessed, and thankful for life and what God has given me than ever before. I am thankful for CMJ who was willing to share her story with me, I feel honored and blessed to know such an amazing woman. I can only hope that one day I can be as strong as her.

Harder than I ever imagined...

Blog, blogging, blogger? I don't even know what to say this is or what I am doing. I am writing--what one could call a long email persay? Yeah, that's what I'm gonna say it is. I started a blog about being pregnant about a 2 years ago. Well that quickly faded out. I was keeping it so Andrew could keep up with what he missed during the pregnancy which ended up being just a whole lot of B&*ching and moaning. So, did he really "miss" anything. nope probably not. So..why am I starting this "new" blog. Well-I don't know I think because it might make me feel better. Put my thoughts out there, maybe be able to go back and refer to it to tell Andrew all the fabulous moments of my life that he had the pleasure of missing. Yeah, thats the life of a military family. I'm writing a little for me, mostly for him, but most of all for us. Andrew is going to be gone for the next 3 months-no big deal right? Naw, it's really not. It came without warning as do most things in the military...he is turning around shortly once he comes home and leaving again. I figured I really needed to find something that was going to help me express my feelings. That way, maybe one day I can look back on them when I am in moments that I think are the worst EVER (which is pretty much all the time if you were to ask me) but it would give me the chance to see "Hey! you did it then, you can do it now". Yup! you are totally right Heather, you rock and you can do this.

People don't understand how "we do it" how Andrew and I can raise our child in this "environment" well, blow me :) that's what I say to those that just don't understand. Because the great part of that is, you dont have to understand. It's what we choose...and if you don't like it then I guess don't join the military~ Since Andrew joined SF I couldn't tell you the number of days he's been home as compared to the days he's been gone. But I can assure you-gone is pretty close to outweighing being home. So, this is my journal/diary/ramblings of my daily life. The life that I don't have time to even breath half the time but now I'm gonna add this. Whatever...lets see how this plays out..