10 years.

September 11th, 2011 is approaching...10 years our country has been at war. An entire decade of our military fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. 10 years since Operation Enduring Freedom began.

When I was sitting in math class that morning, freshman year of highschool watching the terror unfold on tv. I never would have thought that one day...something that felt like it had NOTHING to do with me, would have everything to do with me.

After three deployments to Iraq, and years of watching my friends and familys serve their country I think I can honestly say, I've seen enough. We take our war from one country to another, more lives lost, more days alone and what do we have to show for it? I'm not one to debate the war nor am I one to question our reason for the war...but I feel like nowadays it's more likely you will meet someone who has been to Iraq or Afghan multiple times, rather than someone who hasn't gone at all.

I serve this country proudly, and will always be proud of the part I have taken in this war. I dont know if I will ever feel like I made a difference, especially now that my once high ops tempo job has now turned into a not so ops tempo at all, to behind a desk.

So, this September 11th I promise to hold those close to me dear to my heart. To thank the Lord for bringing me back safe not once, twice..but three times as well as my husband. I will remember those that did not make it back with me. Chavis needs no remembering because he is a part of me everyday. A thought in the back of my mind at least once through out my day, even more so now as the anniversary of his death approaches. My life changed 10 years ago, my life changed even more drastically 5 years ago. Our country is still at war, and no matter your beliefs or feelings about it...it is apart of you. Take time this sunday to honor those that have served, and are still serving. Take time to remember the lives lost that day...and the price our military pays on a day to day bases for our freedom.
My heart is always with the families effected and with those that must sacrifice daily as well. The moms who stay home waiting for their soldiers return, the wife who sits home alone at night waiting anxiously for that phone call to know that everything is alright. This life is not easy, and it takes true strength to get through those tough moments. So, I tip my hat to you as well.

Chavis if I could choose one day in my life to have never happened. I wish that October 14th 2006 could be wiped off the calendar. I'd change everything to make sure you were still here. You were an amazing friend, and I hold our moments we spent together closer than I have ever held something before. I force myself to never forget. Your laugh, your jokes and ability to stay positive even in the scariest moments. I was only 20 years old, but learned so much that year. I wish I could change it all, even now as I write this..but I can't. Your sacrifice will never be in vain, our military continues to fight to ensure that.

So, with that...I hope everything has a good weekend, really takes times Sunday to reflect on these last 10 years...and where we are now.

Slacking

Wow, it's been a long time since I have blogged. Andrew came and went, we took our vacation to Jamaica and it was everything I imagined it would be. Perfect. 7 days, just me and my husband to enjoy each other, to the point where the last day we sat and looked at each other...with absolutley nothing left to say! We ran out of things to talk about, so we would always revert to what was on the back of our minds-Lyla. We really missed her. Andrew is gone again, but out of country now. Counting down the days until we are back together as a family. We spent a long time wasting time worrying about how much time we haven't spent together this year...but I have a new outlook on it now. All I am focusing on, is the time we will have together. Currently planning Lyla's 2nd Birthday, planning some fall outings as a family. Lyla is signed up for soccer on saturday's till december so we are REALLY excited about that!

I am staying busy with work, getting ready to gear up and start my studying for E-6 again. I WILL make it this go around. No excuses. I am currently giving myself a break, and have started reading again. On book #2 in the Hunger Games series and I LOVE it. It's given me time to relax at night and enjoy my quiet time. I am tossing around the idea of taking a class this semester, but I'm thinking I may pass over that idea. For once, I am not completley overwhelmed at work and at home. Thinking I should just enjoy it while I have it.

My nightmares has been acting back up again, not sure what that is all about. Can't remember the last time I had them this often, my only thought is that maybe it's because of how often Andrew has been gone? I dont know...

Lyla is getting so big, I just can't believe it. Some days she wakes up and just amazes me....Tonight while she was on the phone with Daddy, she informed him that she "hit dillon's arm" "jibberish...jabber....I had timeout" LOL Andrew was like...wow, really? Did she just tell me she hit Dillon and went to timeout? Yup....sure did.

How could I forget!! Last weekend, I completed the Pikes Peak Ascent. By far, physcially the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I still am compleley amazed that I did it. I can't even look at the mountain without tearing up sometimes. I shed many tears once I made it to the top. With one mile left to go my body just couldn't take anymore, I physically felt it was not possible. People we on the rocks looking like zombies from the altitude, which luckily had little effect on me. It was just my body in so much pain that was killing me. I didn't know it was possible to hurt so bad. I started to cry because I honestly didn't think I could do it. But then...a 69 year old woman up in front of me shouted back "C'mon girls! Let's do this" and I'm like...shit ya! Let's do this, coming into the finish so many people were cheering, and saying my name...it felt amazing. I crossed the finish line, and then began the waterworks. My friend's husband brought us flowers and champagne, and even furnished me with a hug. I dont know what exactly I cried harder about-finishing, or wishing that Andrew was there to see it. Either way, I was so damn proud. I don't think I will be able to do the race next year, but I def want to do it again sometime. Had you asked me that right after the race I would have told you hell no. But, there's something wrong me...and I enjoy punishing my body!

This is all I got for now, looking forward to getting these next few weeks over with. Ready to have my family back :)

Finally

Well, we are officially just a few days out from Andrew coming home and I couldn't be more happy, anxious, excited......and ....lazy. I seriously am in denial that he's flying in and I'm not cleaning a thing. Karen flys in on Saturday and I am thinking about taking her up to Pikes Peak on the train on Sunday. We fly out of Denver EARLY tuesday morning to begin our trip to Jamaica. I cannot believe the time is here. Finally, a vacation.

Now, I have lots of things to be down about lately but have forced myself to stay positive. Because I have in fact been quite the negative Nancy these past few months. Andrew is leaving the 7th of August (right after we return from vacation) for a few months. I decided that this is no longer a huge deal to me. It could be worse, ALWAYS could be worse.

Work is about to change quite a bit for me, I am about to move sections and I am grateful for this. It will be a slower section and I will be able to study for TSgt. Oh..maybe I should add that I am planning to reenlist. It's not official yet but that is the plan. I sat down last night and went through all my military pictures. 7 years of memories, I just dont want to give them up yet. My biggest fear for the longest time was that one day, I won't remember some of these days. Theres def more reasons why I am making this choice. But I'll save that for another post.

Anyways, this week is at a standstill! I am waiting waiting waiting for Andrew to come home! These last 3 months have been a blurr to me, where did they even go? I think I rush the time away too much.

In other news I got the COOLEST camera bag today from Jill E. it's soo damn cute. I knew I wanted something to carry it in while on Vaca, and this one is perfect. It doesnt even look like a camera bag, but more a purse. Cant wait to use it! I can't wait to take pictures of beautiful Jamaica. Ahh...so many things to look forward to. I hope these moments don't fly by...Well that's all I got for now. I must get back to Teen Mom :)

Things I have learned...

In 2011, I have learned some great lessons, both good and bad. At over half way through, I wanted to share some of those lessons.

*Every month that I stated "I'm so busy" the following month got busier, and I survived.
*It is possible to care for your toddler, even when you are on your death bed. I did it for 2 days.
*In moments of frustration, and desperation...I found out who my true friends are.
*When I thought that I couldn't give anymore...I did.
*I love my husband and daughter more than life itself. That is no exaggeration, it is the truth.
*The moments spent away from Andrew I know, will one day be nothing but a distant memory.

I am more motivated today, than I was yesterday. Which means...It can only get better from here. Andrew is gone pretty much until October. Instead of walloying in my self pity of how little I see my husband, how little Lyla sees her Daddy. I am just gonna take the cards I am dealt.
My only wish is one day these moments lost can somehow be made up to Lyla.

Where are you?

Not that anyone keeps up with my blog, or that I write it for anyone really to keep up with me. But...here's where I am. I am in a much better place then I was in May and mid June. Andrew came home for 2 days over the 4th of July weekend. For those that really know me, they know that the 4th of July is my most favorite Holiday. It's the only one that really makes sense to me. We are truly celebrating something. We didn't do much, in fact...we did what we normally do. A little this and a little of that, then took a nap and ate. It was nice. I felt like I fell in love with him all over again. He is such a good Daddy, since day one. I will never forget the day she was born we sat there in the mother and baby room just staring at her, and at each other. Clueless. But immediatley we just began doing a routine that made sense to us. The nurse walks in and says "wow, this must be your second" Ummmm no? she said "really?, I have never seen a husband and wife work so well together right off the bat." I attribute that to my amazing husband who even in his fear of having a child stood up and was willing to do whatever to make it eaiser on me.
While I am on this rant about my husband, let me also add in that even though I had 8 weeks off for maternity leave, he would still take the longest shift at night to feed Lyla, and would wake up at times even during my shifts to help me out, even though he was the one who had to work the next day. Always thinking of me before himself, that is just who he is. That is why I miss him so much, but...it's become a way of life now. I have had him home a grand total of 4 weeks since January. He has gone to so many schools this year and TDY's I have lost count. All I can say now is that I am over being away from him.
I envy the women who don't have to work....yes yes, I know, I have the option of not working. But do I? We don't have the luxury of living off Andrew's paycheck...maybe one day. But not anytime soon. Not even his soon to be E-7 pay would cut it, at least for me. I've had my own paycheck for 7 years now, that's a hard one to give up. But ya, I envy being able to have a clean home, get errands done, grocery shop when grocery shopping really needs being done...not when I have no choice because all thats left is applesauce and soup. But this is the best for my family right now. Even when it's hard at times, I know the pros def out weigh the cons in certain aspects.

Anyways, that is where I am right now. Counting down the days till I get my husband back for good. 14 days till he comes home. Then we are off to Jamaica, lots of other things approaching to be excited about. But can't let them out of the bag just yet :)

25

It's official--I am a quarter of a century old. Today was my birthday, nothing too crazy to write home about, wasnt up to much of anything. I had court, that got delayed. One of my co-workers decorated my desk with Dora decorations and got me a brownie cake. It made my morning. Papa took me and Lyla out for dinner, so that was nice. Overall it was a good day. Only thing missing of course was Andrew. :)

For my birthday Andrew purchased me a new camera--a Canon EOS 60D, with a HUGE freaking lense to go with it. He is just as excited as I am to get out and start taking pictures .I have been experiementing already and it takes amazing photos. In the end, I don't think he needed to go and purchase such an expensive camera, for now...I'd rather not know what was spent on it. But I have my ideas...
SO lets see...My court starts back up tomorrow, I have a race on Sunday...gonna try to take Friday off of work to do some shopping for when Andrew gets home. Just one more full work week left till I see Andrew's face. Things have been much easier with Papa around, I'm sure I have even gained weight considering I typically do not eat on a daily basis.
Well, thats all to update for now, I'm tired :)

One of the many pictures of Lyla that I have taken with the new camera, please notice the hot mess she is in this picture! We had just finished dinner...messy or not, she is stinkin cute!

Bitter

Today I realized right from the start that I was just gonna be in one of those moods...bitchy, bitter and just mean. We currently have a court-martial starting tomorrow and then my court starting next Monday. My birthday. yay. Happy Birthday to me. I will be in and out of work all weekend so there won't be any Birthday party or celebrating for me. Honestly, I can't even remember the last time I actually celebrated my birthday, that's a lie...yes I can remember. I have been in the military the last 7 years....lets do a re-cap as to where I have been for my B-days. I left a month after my 18th birthday for the military. That year I had the biggest and best birthday party I can remember to date. I'm sure it involved lots of maybe not so legal things but I won't go there peeps...I was like 18 and I was about to join the military :) My 19th birthday I was in Iraq, My 20th birthday I was packing my bags and loading them on a bus to head to Baghdad, Iraq, My 21st Birthday I was passed out drunk in my front yard, left to fend for myself because of my awesome ex-husband. From what I hear I really partied it up that year...yea...I don't even remember it. My 22nd Birthday I literally....no joke was sitting in BWI awaiting a flight to Atlanta Georgia, after returning from Balad, Iraq. Just one more day earlier and I could have celebrated that birthday :/ Oh, and may I add that day particulary I turned my cellphone back on and recieved multiple calls during that 4 hour layover all to inform me my ex-husband was cheating and had moved out of our house. Welcome Home and Happy Birthday Heather! My 23rd birthday my roomates and friends were all deployed. I sat a home that year and did nothing. My 24th...Oh wait that was last year! I was packing my bags to leave for Paralegal tech school!!! The next day...off I went to Maxwell, AFB. Here it is my big 25th and my hubby isn't here and once again the military will be screwing with my day. Look, I get it...we are big kids now and Birthday's don't mean shit but seriously it's the one day of the year where it's supposed to be about YOU!...aka as ME! and I can't even get that much.
Ok, I'm seeing a trend this blog thing seems to be where I just go to bitch. So for those of you that "follow me" I'm sorry this isn't an inquisitive outlook to my life, I dont have anything of any substance to share this is just me...bitching about my life because well, right now that's what I do best. But let me try and share some good things--My papa is flying in on Friday to come help me, he raised me and is like my Dad, and I find it funny he has to help raise my child! It will be nice to have company because I have to admit I live a lonely life these days. Last night...I laid on my bed, no tv or anything for 3 hours before I decided maybe I would get up and attempt to be productive. He is staying through the 27th I think and then that weekend Andrew comes home for the 4 July weekend. I am so stoked. It's been nearly 9+ weeks since we last saw him and we still have 5 more to go. I know Lyla will love to see her Daddy even if it's just a few hours. I'm done with the pity party for tonight. Tomorrow is a new day and I promise on everything I love I am always grateful for that. Even in my most bitter mood I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. This isn't easy, but I know I will figure things out. You know what time it is....picture share time!

My 21st Birthday, I was about 30 pounds heavier here...no big deal but um yeah...wow. This was an interesting night.

Here I am, my 23rd Birthday sitting at the BWI airport. Pretty sure I hadn't slept in like 3 days. (our plane broke in Germany...we spent 48 hours there...drinking.) Anyways...That guy to MY right...that's SrA Chad Rice. He passed away Jan 21st of last year. Glad I got to spend that birthday next to a really great guy. That was one shitty/awesome day. I was on home soil...but my heart was shattered into a million pieces. You would have never been able to tell from this picture. Anyways..cheers to the past 25 years of my life...Monday will come and go and it will be just another hash mark on my calendar, and maybe even my insurance will go down? :)

Nightmares

It's obvious the last few months have been anything but easy for me. Lyla and I have successfully shared germs, and sickness for the last month. Lyla as of today picked up the daycare's latest and greatest and is fighting a 103 temp as we speak. I have another court-martial nicely scheduled for June 20th (my birthday) and I am busy as heck at work. Not to mention the other work stressors that are causing me grief. They are something I would rather not even bring up considering how much they bother me. Now, even through all of this crap I am a good sleeper. Maybe it's because of the multiple deployments and just being used to sleeping through all sorts of circumstances but no matter what I have been through I can normally sleep it off. This last week has not been the case, there I am at 9pm trying to begin my sweet slumber....Im tired and I could totally sleep. But I don't. It's like I've been afraid to go to sleep, not sure why because I am all about getting days over with at this point. But...it just has been hard. I've noticed as of lately that I'm waking up before my alarm...tossing and turning and waking up feeling just awful.
Particularly awful this morning. I laid down so early last night due to the fact that physically I was so exhausted and just couldn't believe how out of shape I clearly am because all I did was run and play a few team sports throughout the day and I was spent! Anyways...I wake up and I feel like a semi-truck hit me. I roll out of bed, proceed with my normal morning routine that involves a trip to the bathroom and then it hits me. Last night I had one of the worst nightmares to date.
One of the great things I walked away with from my 3 trips to Iraq was nightmares. They come and go as they please, showing up without warning and leaving without notice. They are not constant nor are they often. But when they happen they make their presence known. Now, normally it always has everyone from my old squad (Squad 1 in Baghdad when Chavis was killed) and it ALWAYS involves us running from something. i.e a bad guy, bad guys, bad animals....you get the point. Something bad. Usually something moving fast and we are moving slow....something that I don't have the ability to hide from no matter how smart I think I am. Well, last night was different. I remember it so clearly it's like I am there now. We were on a Chinook ( huge helicopter for those that don't know) and we were on our way into Baghdad and about to land when the pilot makes the announcement that we would need to do a combat landing. Now, this is typical in a C-130 but I can't say I have ever seen a Chinook do any drastic measures to combat land. The hum of the rotars is still so clear in my mind, and the funny thing is I have never even ridden on a Chinook in my life. But, there I was sitting with my team in the most detailed helo I have ever seen. Moving on...the helo starts to twist and turn as everyone begins to fly all over the place, then we begin to hear gun fire. I think to myself "we are getting shot down omg" Everyone begins to yell and I think to myself "this is how I am going to die..." The helo is upright and I am able to run, I don't know where I am running but I believe I'm running away (just like in every other nightmare) from the gunfire. I hear the "pings" of the bullets getting closer and then BOOM just like that. A bullet pierces the armor of the helo like it was nothing, and a bullet enters my lower right gut.
I dropped to my knees like those dramatic military films you see and I look down at my stomach gushing blood. The helo is in an uproar but everything goes silent. In my sleep, I feel the pain of my wound. I grabbed at my stomach trying to stop the blood but the wound was too severe. The pain overtook me and I caught myself gasping for air. I could see everyone at the other end and I tried my hardest to tell everyone I was shot, but naturally--I had no voice. I don't remember who it was, but they saw me and came running. They took something and swiftly shoved it in my wound to stop the bleeding. The helo was out of control at this point, and they laid me down in hopes the bullets would "miss me", I remember thinking..." We aren't landed yet??" I laid there imaging bullets shooting up through my back and even in the lightest of thoughts I told myself I was dying...and I softly cried to myself thinking about Lyla, and all the moments I would miss. I cried thinking about who was going to tell Andrew I wasn't coming home. I cried because there I was about to die all alone, or maybe I was about to die in a ball of flames because it seemed clear at this point we were going down. My quiet tears became sobs thinking about how I never got to say goodbye to lyla (or at least in this nightmare I had no memory of saying goodbye to her). The nightmare begins to get quiet and somewhere, somehow it ended. I rolled over and I couldn't tell you the hour but it was dark in my room. I shifted my face on my pillow and felt wetness....the tears. I had been crying in my sleep. I took a deep breath and noticed my heart racing, my palms were sweaty and the back of my neck stiff, like I had been clinched up for hours. I went back to sleep without another thought until the morning when all these memories came back to me. Throughout the day I had random snapshots of the nightmare come back to me, but more so of parts of the nightmare I don't remember. For instance, I have a memory of myself lifting my shirt up and speaking to someone about my wound, they asked me where the bullet went and I explained it was still in me and would be forever. My war "trophy" as I called it. I have to chuckle at this, because even in my nightmares I am still clearly "me" because I can hear myself saying something like that. I don't know when this part of the nightmare came about but as today went on I realized, I lived. I didn't die a firey death. I had a scar to prove it and obviously a sweet bullet still swimming in my gut. Am I making light of this terrifying occurrence last night? of course I am. Why it came to me later on today I don't know why...I wish It would have earlier so I would have known I lived! I kinda hoped more would have come back to me, at least as to who I was showing my scar to because I wonder what happened to my team.
Anyways, I have had some pretty bad ones since 2006 but that is to date, the worst. I hope I can get out of this slump and calm my nerves a little because I certainly cannot live like this forever.
My heart goes out to my friends, and to those out there that suffer with severe PTSD and fight these demons every waking and sleeping moment of their life. It's not an easy fight. Just when I think mine are gone, they come back to remind me they are here to stay.

Defeated

That is my word for the week.
I pride myself on being a relatively strong person, I may cry throughout the process but 9 times out of 10 I pull through. Ok, so great. yay me. But I gotta admit right now. This very moment, I feel like I got nothing left to give. Andrew left a month ago and in that month I have come down with the worst sickness I have ever had, Lyla had croup, Lyla now has some unknown RAD? issue. I am currently in my biggest court like, EVER and I am out of pocket on and off. I am honestly feeling like the worlds worst mother because I'm sure people are like..."um your daughter is sick, you need to be home with her" Well, you see I have other obligations. not to say my child doesn't come number one but in my life I try to be three things--1. Awesome Mom, 2. Awesome wife 3. Awesome worker. I want to be good at everything, all the time. So, I have put in almost a years worth of work for this case and now, I can't be there to help watch it unfold. My daughter is ill, and I can't be there to hold her every single moment. I miss my husband but can't be the supportive wife he needs right now. Oh and let's not forget the fact that I am pretty much a worthless friend right now. I'm sure there are friends out there let down by something I have done or failed to do in the last month. Defeated. The pressures of life have finally got me. Rock bottom? no...but I feel downright helpless. So many friends have gone out of their way to help me this last month and how does one repay? I mean seriously. "hey thanks for making my life so much more manageable" I rarely can ever repay favors. I say Thanks yous till I am blue in the face, but I always wonder if they all truly understand my thanks. If I could I would go on forever.
Thank you for being there to let me vent to, thank you for offering to do just about anything to make my life easier, thank you for offering to cook me dinner, thank you FOR cooking me dinner oh and BRINGING it to me. Thank you for watching my daughter, thanking for ALWAYS watching my daughter, thank you for watching my SICK daughter. Thank you for your everlasting support, thank you for doing whatever you can to take a burden off of me. Thank you for your texts, your phone calls and your emails...they mean the world to me. Thank you for just thinking of me.
Is what I am going through the end of the world? no...absolutely not. I get that. I get that it could always be worse. I've seen worse, I've lived through worse. I remember it all clearly...thanks. But right now, at 2100 hours. I feel like I have really made someone mad upstairs. You know how people say "whatever can go wrong has" well, let me just take a moment to tell you that yes, this really is a true statement in my life right now. Everything I prayed to NOT happen has...plus more. But, at the end of the day I have a little girl who loves me, she may be ill but she loves me...and a husband who is somewhere out there...missing us. I have awesome friends who at this point I feel guilty even texting any of them any more drama in my life. Also--let me just take this moment to also say...I've seen who "really" is there for during this month. If you are a member of my family and you couldn't even send me a damn text to see how we were...shame on you. I want you to go back and think about all the time you had things go wrong in your life. I may not have been there physically but was I texting??? was I sending flowers and cards??? yup...sure was. As far as I am concerned I, and we ...mean nothing to you. Same thing that goes for my "good friends" who can't even acknowledge my child's sickness. You live in the same town as me, I have given so much to you in our friendship and the one time I need help and support all you worry about is YOU. Typical. What comes around goes around. I know I am a good person, right now...am I reaping what I sow? I don't know. But I know that I care...So. I will end it with this, do not be fake with me. Don't text me or call me when you really don't care. Spare me your communications forever for all I care. I would rather save those moments and time for people who do.
Thank you and goodnight.

Something fit to print.

I have finally figured out what it is that I do not like about Colorado...
From the day we drove into this town--July 28th 2009 to be exact, I knew that this place was going to be somewhere I could love. I had hopes of a new start, with my new husband, and soon to be new baby and baylee too! I was optimistic about my job and the fact that my career was taking a turn towards a different direction-but I was ready. I soon found out that my job was not going to be something I could ever enjoy, not for a week...month...or the next 13 years. So, I put in my cross-train package and accepted the fact that I wasn't the hard-core Heather anymore. The one who goes to awesome schools to learn how to bust down doors or the Heather that jumped out of perfectly good airplanes...15 times.
Hm...sometimes I miss those days. But, anyways I digress...Georgia was my first duty station, I got there when I was 18 years old and 5 months later went on my first deployment to Iraq, one year later I left for my second, and 6 months later my third. The bonds that I had with my friends in that unit was something one could only see on "band of brothers" I never was lonely, I always had someone who understood, who cared and was there to help me pick up the pieces.
After Chavis' death we all dealt with a large amount of anger, grief and depression. I was going through a divorce and trying to figure out what was going on in my life. Someone was there. Now, I still have all these friendships-I could call any one of them up at this very moment and they would be here for me. No questions asked...but it's not the same. They are friendships you could only dream up. So...now, here I am present day. Married to a man that some days I question if he is reality or just a dream. We picked quite the life for ourselves...but that is not my point. My point it is-I have been lucky enough to meet some pretty great people here, many of which have been there at the drop of hat, no matter the time of day and what it was I needed. But there is days when I'm sad, and I'm having those "deployment thoughts" and this time...there isn't anyone there to talk me thru them. I miss the days where my roomie Jon and best friend Joe would just sit in the living room and talk about all the moments we went through together in Iraq...the good, the bad and the awful. It helped put things into perspective during those hard times. Really made me realize that I wasn't the only one who even years after, is still effected by War. I love my friends, all of them. Even the ones who would never understand...and I know that if given the chance to listen they would. I guess I just miss the comfort of those who just "know". I miss my brothers and sisters I served with...I miss the head nods we all would exchange when that sad song that all reminded us of "that day" would come on...that little reminder from each other that "yea, I know...it still gets me too...you are not alone"
I walked into our spare bedroom today, aka the "I love me" room. It's covered wall to wall with my accomplishments, decorations, medals, photos and awards (and like 4 of Andrew's lol he doesn't display things like I do) I walked around the room remembering the moments that earned me each item. I had to kind of laugh...I remember when I got them all I thought, pffft whatever...just another piece of paper to add to the stack. Just another ribbon on the ribbon rack. But I never took any of it for what it really was. I sit behind a desk now, shoveling papers off left and right. In the grand scheme of things, I mean nothing. I have friends TONS of friends still in Iraq and Afghanistan working on their 5th tours. I always say, "that could be me too". Do I really want to be in those places? I dont know, the thought of being away from my daughter for that long kills me inside. But my sense of duty overrides my emotions sometimes. I feel so helpless and useless here. Thats probably why deep down I want to stay in a little. I want one last chance to go over...and do what? HA! paralegals probably don't even carry guns. Whatever...I am officially a "has been" or maybe a "never was"...I wish I would have embraced those moments more, and had felt more pride at the time. Because now, I couldn't be more proud of where I have come from...and where I am now. 18 years old didn't know my ass from my elbow. 5 years later I'm manning 50 cal machine guns, going to swat schools and jumping out of planes. Where is that confident girl? Where did she go?...I was tough back then. Nothing ever could bring me down. Even at my weakest moments I stood strong. Now, I buckle any time I feel less than just "alive". Why I rely so heavily on my husband I will never know. Especially since I never was one to be dependent on another.
I'm going to close with some of my favorite deployments pictures....Tomorrow is a new day. Goodnight.

Just outside the main gate hanging with the Iraqi police. Kirkuk 2005

This is me up on the 50 cal., my first deployment to Kirkuk, Iraq in 2005.
Second deployment Baghdad Iraq 2006. This picture says a thousand words. This was our first response to a vehicle borne improvised explosive devices. Just behind us, hundreds of people wedead, blown up and burnt to death. We didn't know it at the time, our squad leader kept us as far away as possible. It was hot...really hot, and people were screaming for their loved ones and we had to keep them back. how we found time for a photo I don't remember. But this day...engrained in my head.
Happier times...Balad iraq 2008. Me with a little boy from my favorite town. Sitting in the back enjoying some chi and some grub. I loved this deployment and our mission. The women and children always remain in my heart.

Memorial Day weekend

What does Memorial Day weekend mean to you?... bet you get excited because of that sweet government holiday we recieve right? ya...I think deep down we all do the happy dance because we know that awesome 4 day weekend filled with BBQ's and friends is upon us.

Well, Memorial Day took a new meaning to me after October 14th, 2006. I saw sacrifice right before my own eyes. At the ripe age of 21, I saw death. My friend, and squad member was shot and killed by a sniper in down-town Baghdad. A moment in my life that I could replay and relive over and over...like it happened yesterday. The smell, the things I saw, the feelings I remember it all. Even more so, I remember Chavis. Who he was to me-his smile, his laugh, his character and his jokes. Life from that day forward was never the same. Memorial Day means more to me than the BBQ's and the friends and the days off. It's time for me to reflect on the sacrifices made by those who have served amongst me. Now, Chavis is not the only friend who has made the ultimate sacrifice... SSgt David Horney, SrA Chad Rice and SSgt Jason Wilburn are forever remembered in my mind. Their deaths were tragic, and still haunt me often. Friends, co-workers, brothers... all taken too soon.

My favorite photo I ever took of Chavis, we were playing spades, and as usual he was telling me how awful I was :)

So, please...at some point this weekend when you are watching your kids play in the backyard, enjoying the smell of those hot dogs on the grill... remember the lives lost for us to have this freedom. Those that no longer can enjoy these moments. Cherish these times and embrace them because life is all too short. Remember those who have fought, and those that are still fighting for our freedom...never asking for anything in return.

Chavis, I always wonder where you would be right now...what you would be doing or saying. Probably singing Rick Ross and dancing around the way you always did. High on life right? I know you would be proud to see what I have become. I have never forgotten and never will, you remain in my heart everyday and to me...you never really left. Your memory lives strong in not just myself, but every single life you touched during your too short life. You are my daughters namesake...and it's not for nothing. It's because I look forward to the day where I can tell her of Mommy's friend, who died protecting her...who died to protect everyone that day. So, on this Memorial Day I promise I will take that moment to thank you, to thank you for your sacrifice for this country. You have been gone almost 5 years now...but you are never ever forgotten.

Absolutley Overwhelmed

Where to start....How about with a picture of my little Dora lover...she makes me smile.

It's been awhile since I last posted in here.

Mother's Day-It was nice, I went to brunch with a friend of mine who's husband is deployed to Afghanistan right now and due to return home very soon. Their family has been very close to us since we arrived her, as Andrew was deployed with her husband years back when they were stationed in Germany together. They are probably the best friends that we have here...always there when I need them.

After that we went to church which was a total and utter disaster. Long story short-the Pastor made it a point to tell us that a Mother's place is at home raising the child and that it is shameful that our kids are growing up in childcare centers and with babysitters. I about came unglued. It's his opinion-not God's. So needless to say, we did not go back and won't EVER. Good news on that is we started a new church this last Sunday and I am please thus far.

Lyla threw up all Sunday evening....she got better as the week progressed and then Wednesday night its like the death came upon me. I spent the next 3 days so ill....the worst that I can remember. I am thankful for my amazing friends who came to the rescue.

This Saturday Lyla and I are running the 5k Run to the Shrine again this year! Then after that going to her buddy Landon's first bday party then I am going to the Warrior Games closing ceremony with some girl friends and watching Colbie Caillat perform!!!! Yay for Girls night!

Onto some other thoughts. Work is crazy busy with the upcoming General Court Martial, and then with nani flying in I am thankful she will be here to help. But, the top thing stressing me out right now is my BIG CDC test is next wednesday. I cannot study anymore than I have, I cannot wait to have my life back after this test. Seriously...it's getting old.

On a happier note--60 more days till Andrew comes home, but less than that till we see him. not sure when we will be flying to NC to see him, Chris and Carrie but it will either be 4th of July or around my birthday next month!. Either way I am stoked. Especially to see Chris and Carrie. Love visiting with them, and it has been too long. I am truly thankful that I have such a great brother and sister in law. They graciously have opened up their house to me--which I am thankful and cannot wait to take them up on their offer to visit for a little bit.

Well...I must get back to studying that is all for now on the updates.

The Mommy Moments

If you had asked me 4 years ago if I was ever going to have children I would have flat out said "NO WAY". I was too busy jumping out of planes, going to Iraq, shooting guns and being awesome. I didn't have time for babies never the less a man. After Clay I was rather pleased with myself and took full advantage of my new 60 pound lighter self, and certainly enjoyed dating and being the "free spirit" I always felt that I was.

Well...things happen. That thing was Andrew. Shortly after dating Andrew I knew that I wanted to marry him one day and that I wanted to raise a child with him. Weird how that happens right? All of a sudden I really could have cared less about the planes and gun and being awesome. I wanted a family. Our plans stretched out amongst years, he was going to do his thing for awhile and I would do mine. But, God had other plans and so did my birth control.

and then came...Lyla.

4 years ago I would never have imagined myself laying on the floor holding a vomit covered baby and singing the Dora theme song to her to soothe her. Last night I did. I cried quietly to myself thinking about how this kind of crap only happens when Andrew is gone and that is a true statement. It really does only happen when he is not here. I guess the point of this is that I may not have ever dreamt of these moments since I was little, I didn't walk around for the past 10 years planning out the names of my future children. But the moment I knew I was going to be a Mom my life turned around. I don't jump out of planes anymore, I don't shoot guns--I am still pretty damn awesome ( I didn't ditch that) and I am okay with all of this. Being Lyla's Mommy is the most challenging and scariest thing I have ever done. Yes, I put it before driving through the streets of Baghdad. Kids are the most unpredictable ticking timb bombs to ever walk this earth. But in the same breath I can say that I will use the entire rest of my life on earth to figure out how to disarm that bomb (hopefully before she turns 18).

I didn't imagine this life, I didn't plan it out. I never imagined I would cry myself to sleep at night and often because of the stresses that consume me. I wake up at 5:45 am every morning and get myself ready just so I can spend those extra 30 min taking my time and getting Lyla ready for daycare. My plan never falters since the day she was born and it has stayed the same till now. I do it because I love my job, and because I love my baby girl. But at what point do I have to draw a line? when my job becomes more important than her?....yes, I think so. Lots of decisions to make in these next few months but not enough time to even ponder it. For now, I will just go to bed because that is the easiest choice...

Hi my name is Heather..

and I am a hot mess...

I have all the right intentions but never know how to express them the right way. I hate when I don't get my way and if I could...I would stomp my feet and pout for just about anything.

I miss Andrew, I want my husband back, work is on my last nerve and some days..I just want to come home and cry in my bed and go to sleep. But the reality is, I've got a sweet girl (half the time) who is relying on me, and will never for a moment let Mommy forget that she must be cared for. This month is overwhelming, I feel as if this month could quite possibly be the most intense month this year. I need to get thru it...I have to study, I need to pass my CDC's so that I can get it out of the way. My court is on the 31st, Nani flys in, and then June is here. No Bolder Boulder this year....whatever--least I got my shirt. :) Life is more important than running a race. Even though running this one meant a ton. I was running in Memory of Chavis. But I know that I don't need to run 6 miles for him to know I think of him. He is still so real and alive in my life as he was 5 years ago. I see his smile, I hear his laugh and know he is with me.

My Amazing squad...and Chavis up top. We sure were a family...

My wonderful friend who made me smile when all I wanted to do was cry, he pushed me through when I felt weak and made me laugh when I was as angry as can be. I could always count on him for that. I'm emotional tonight...I'm sick of never having enough time, never enough hands and always missing someone, something...I look forward to attending church on Sunday. It is the first time in a LONG time. I am nervous for this little adventure on my own. No one's hand to hold or shoulder to lean on. But I'll make it. I always do.



I'm calling it quits for tonight. It was a crappy crappy day...I just want it to go away.

Humbling Moments.

Today was much better I have got to admit... I didn't feel as absolutley miserable as I had the last few days. I had to give myself a few kicks in the butt this morning as I struggled to get out of bed. I remember it being much easier when Andrew is there. Had to remind myself that "life is not that bad Heather" the show must go on...just like Lupe says. BTW-I love this song.

House is a disaster, as usual. I throw some mess of a lunch together (this was Andrew's job and I must admit I miss his lunches already so much).

I got to work, and CMJ was there. A month ago, her first born daughter passed away in the womb and she has been out of work since. Now, let me first say..I have felt grief in my life, I have lost friends in combat, to tragedy and other awful horrid things. But never...in my life could I imagine this, no pain like this is comparable to anything I have felt. A friend back in Georgia lost her baby I remember it was right after our deployment. I was too young, and maybe to ignorant to even try to empathize with her as to what she was feeling. But now, here I am. A mother of a beautiful little girl and this time, I felt it. The grief caught me by surprise and I cried myself to sleep that first week. I woke up thinking about her, and fell asleep thinking about her. The only thing we could talk about was CMJ and how she could be doing. Did we really wanna know? I think we knew the answer. I dreamt about seeing her, and talking to her. I even had dreams of her bringing the baby in. Like this really was all just a nightmare. If it was possible to grieve with her...I think I might have. We felt like, and acted as if CMJ had died. I'm sure at moments she probably felt like she did.

Long story short, we talked today and I am completley and utterly humbled. She is the strongest woman I have ever known. I have talked to mothers who have lost their babies and grown children...but no one can surpass the strength that CMJ emits. It was humbling speaking to her for the simple fact that just 2 days ago I laid in my bed and cried for my husband...who is but a few states away, for an extra 3 months. That's it. Yup, heather you are about as selfish as they come. It made me realize that we all can find strength in any tough moment of our lives. CMJ is grieving, and it's still real and very alive in her heart right now. This is something that will be with her for the rest of her life. But, she's amazing and she is strong.

She is strong enough to visualize baby G running around the fields in heaven, beautiful as ever watching down over her Mommy and Daddy. I know that when we mourn for her she wants nothing more than to comfort us all. Life has not stopped...and it won't. I believe we all realize that, even CMJ. She empowered me today, she opened my eyes to the fact that life never, ever goes the way we had planned. This was a life changing event but they will percivere- I have no doubt that God will embrace them at this time in their life and bring them back to solid ground. He never hands us more then was can bear. I believe this. Which leads me back...well, to me. I can handle whatever is handed to me. I have every other time in my life. I've seen life, laughter, death and love. I've seen things one could only imagine in nightmares. But, I overcame it. CMJ has a long road to go yet, but she is already miles ahead from where I think I could be given the situation.

Tonight, I am feeling more blessed, and thankful for life and what God has given me than ever before. I am thankful for CMJ who was willing to share her story with me, I feel honored and blessed to know such an amazing woman. I can only hope that one day I can be as strong as her.

Harder than I ever imagined...

Blog, blogging, blogger? I don't even know what to say this is or what I am doing. I am writing--what one could call a long email persay? Yeah, that's what I'm gonna say it is. I started a blog about being pregnant about a 2 years ago. Well that quickly faded out. I was keeping it so Andrew could keep up with what he missed during the pregnancy which ended up being just a whole lot of B&*ching and moaning. So, did he really "miss" anything. nope probably not. So..why am I starting this "new" blog. Well-I don't know I think because it might make me feel better. Put my thoughts out there, maybe be able to go back and refer to it to tell Andrew all the fabulous moments of my life that he had the pleasure of missing. Yeah, thats the life of a military family. I'm writing a little for me, mostly for him, but most of all for us. Andrew is going to be gone for the next 3 months-no big deal right? Naw, it's really not. It came without warning as do most things in the military...he is turning around shortly once he comes home and leaving again. I figured I really needed to find something that was going to help me express my feelings. That way, maybe one day I can look back on them when I am in moments that I think are the worst EVER (which is pretty much all the time if you were to ask me) but it would give me the chance to see "Hey! you did it then, you can do it now". Yup! you are totally right Heather, you rock and you can do this.

People don't understand how "we do it" how Andrew and I can raise our child in this "environment" well, blow me :) that's what I say to those that just don't understand. Because the great part of that is, you dont have to understand. It's what we choose...and if you don't like it then I guess don't join the military~ Since Andrew joined SF I couldn't tell you the number of days he's been home as compared to the days he's been gone. But I can assure you-gone is pretty close to outweighing being home. So, this is my journal/diary/ramblings of my daily life. The life that I don't have time to even breath half the time but now I'm gonna add this. Whatever...lets see how this plays out..